here we are again. im depressed
it happens so randomly.
there are just some many things todo
in such a sshort amount of time.

he still haunts me
im looking for paz but i cant find it
ive tried all mediums
but i must be true to god and myself.

i ask you
why am i still so unhappy
even if i had everything
id still be unhappy/
i hate feeling this way

once upon a time
he once told me
i
cant make you happy if your arent happy with yourself.

i realized that im not happy with myself.
i find it difficult to live your life when at the end it wont matter if nothihng comes with
when you leave
God you know what im talking about.

in the spur of the moment these thoughts haunt me
when i get in that mode, it seems it takes forever to leave
i check out anytime id like but i can never leave

hmmmn
i ve always been this way
i try to avoid it but it seems to never  crawl its way back

the walls close in
stuffy cloud on the surface
one day too heavy, the other day just there
full makes me uneasy, harder to breathe

i sit alone with my thoughts
im being vomited
no extremes simply in between
wishing washy

i get lost with you
i just go
theres is so much energy to be used
though consumed by a mattress
i cant get used to this

mind and body at rest
oh ok
go

hello again. ive been having these thoughts again about him. Its been a year since that horrible time of my life where i was left to myself. Then suddenly im thinking about him again. I had an urge to call him yesterday. i didnt but i was going to . I was even thinking of a way to call him by his old phone. I deleted his cell phone from mr big and his house phone. i have no way of contacting him except through that old number. I even thought of contacting him through Sprint Relay. but im not going to. I have no idea what i triggering me to such thoughts. It could be because i have a thing for certain times of the day or dates. It was around this time last year that he left me for a month. I obviously havent been able to get over that. Im taking that EXtremely personal. Ive been evaluating that relationship lately and i know that i should let the past be the past, yet there is something that i havent forgiven because i havent forgotten. Flashbacks and Montages of our times together keep shouting in my mind as if my head was a cancer patient in chemo. I cant seem to get him out of my head. I must forgive him fully. Actually, the other day, i was missing him completely his smell,touch, eyes, and language. I was such a silly fool. I fell soO hard.  My love for him was so strong that i can feel it now, but i feel it as strong naiveness. I was soo young and vulnerable for someone to care for me. My selfesteem was so low that i needed that attention of a man so desperately. I wanted him to take me serious; furthermore, i didnt want to be that free spirited person. I longed for a stable certain of the some sort. I left everything behind to only learn that it was the most unstable i had ever been in a "stable" relationship.

one year later from such date, i wouldnt have ever thought id be here reminiscing about it. Then again i talk about my past constantly like an obsession. Im obsessed with it. i should get over that. Im hardly in the present. If im not in the past im in the future ,day dreaming. blah.

Spirituality is everything.

 

Im on a quest to find myself again. I believe i will be for quite some time.  Im looking for ways to truly believe in something. I believe have found this way. I want to become closer to god. Im lost at how going about it. I see Yoga as the opening. Merging the two great loves. I want to become more passionate with god and yoga.  I want to become more spiritual. I also know that sometimes you might have to change friends. Simply because its difficult to be with people who dont agree nor support your cause. I think about my friends who i dearly love. I dont want to lose them. I want associate with people who are in the same state of mind as me. We have a focus. That focus is to help the environment; explore horizons; indulge in intellectualism; unite humanity with the divine. THis is what i what i want in my life. I think and become deppressed because of all the goals i want to accomplish NOW. I see Yoginis, Yogis, spiritual leaders, and environmentalist. They thrive on their passions. I want to become passionate in this way. I want to see my purpose in life and start doing it. It would be even better to have a companion while doing such things. Great things are done in couples. I dont need a man who's going to Woo me. I dont want a man who will promise me this and that. I want a companion whose focus at this moment is his purpose and if we share similar purpose then unite for the greater great. im practicing yoga. I am trying to practice this wonderful connection  everyday.  I am a spiritual person and have always been one. I was blinded. Someone had come up from behind and covered my lids with materialistic insignificances and irrational emotions that only caused in me fear, doubt, and depression. These insignificances and emotions created fear, doubt, and depression because i thought that if i didnt have the latest i wouldnt be admired. I had doubts because i couldnt trust myself  . I was depressed because of my fear and doubts that wouldnt release me. I have missed my true self so much.  Now truly i see a magnificent bright light down the corridor.  Through god and yoga i will accomplish my purpose in life which is to embrace God and selflessness. The act of selflessness will also help me detach myself from unecessary materials. I must cleanse the body, mind, and soul. Without God and activism there is no hope.